An (Awkward) Toast On the Occasion of My Cousin's Engagement

Their mouths froze around hamburgers, drinks, and stifled cheers. It was so quiet you could hear an hors d'oeuvres drop. All because my uncle gave a toast.

"Hello everyone," it began. "For those who don't know me, I'm lucky enough to be the father of the bride."

(It was an engagement party but that's a technicality.)

"I want to start by thanking Trudy for hosting this great party."

Not bad.

"As many of you know, Trudy and I got divorced many years ago."

Uh-oh.

"And it was nasty. A lot of things were said and done that were really mean. One of them I'll never forget."

This isn't good.

"It was when Trudy screamed at me, 'I'm sick of you and all your goddamn shanty Irish relatives!'"

Silence.

"So I just want to say, hey Tom Murphy, welcome to the family!"

I think the next person to speak was a caterer.


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My Life of Crime: Technically I Was Only Assaulted That Night in Denver

SMACK! My glasses went flying (they were already missing a temple). I went to the sidewalk to find them and two guys started yelling at my coworkers.

One attacker had a gun. They began mugging us, one by one (while I crawled around thinking, "Hey, watch out for my glasses.")

The first guy handed over $5. One woman gave her wallet. Another gave her purse. I found my glasses as another—brave, crazy or both—pulled her wallet from her purse and her cash from her wallet. She threw the bills on the ground. "You can have my money but there's stuff in here that I need."

The unarmed one stooped to pick it up. "I could kick him in the face," I thought, "...And that guy would shoot me."

Once they'd gathered the cash they ran.

The cops rounded up a bunch of Hispanic men. Not one fit the descriptions we'd provided.

(Don't worry, friends. This happened years ago.)

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